For once, I’d like to be chosen over someone else.
Tired of being second best.

But I’m still losing followers like it’s my job.

What did I do wrong?! :(

Once I have a spare minute, I promise I’m going to do some major blog re-vamping. Hang in there, followers. I know my blog’s been a little dry.

Preparing to fail my AP Lang exam tomorrow.
I feel it. It’s not going to go well.
Currently crying, not really sure what to do about it.
Wish me luck.

I got a speeding ticket this morning.
And of course, being the guilt-ridden bitch I am, I can’t stop thinking about it.

I called my Mom. She insisted that everything would be fine and that we’d talk about it later. But I can’t shake the feeling that I’m a disappointment.

It doesn’t help that I won’t get to phone my parents at all, seeing as how I’m currently on a school field trip.

It’s going to haunt me all day. I just know it. I basically am waiting for a severe punishment that may result in the confiscation of my car. I’m so scared. And guilty. And disappointed. Not just at the situation, but in myself.

I can tell I’m not going to have fun for the rest of the day. Whenever I start laughing, or having a good time, I picture the cop car behind me and a wave of guilt washes over me.

It seems like a small mistake, but to me, I might as well have killed someone. The guilt. The worry. It’s going to keep me up all night.

I probably shouldn’t even be making a big deal about this, but I can’t help it. For the girl who always follows the rules…it’s really killing me.

I never was one who knew how to let go.

I don’t push people out. 

I let people in.

And they end up letting me down. 

And I never learn my lesson. I just trust, trust, trust.

In a way, that’s worse. Don’t you think?

I don’t want to go back to school.

Since break started, I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. No work, no drama, no stress, no problems.

For once since this year started, I don’t feel guilty for relaxing. I don’t feel shame for laying in bed all day and doing nothing. Okay, well, maybe a little shame.

This has literally been the most stressful year of my entire life. I’ve never felt stupid or inadequate before this year. I’ve never put so much pressure on myself to be perfect until this year.

I just want to fast forward. I don’t want to go through these next 9 weeks. I want to be able to take a minute to breathe without feeling guilty about it. I’m done with being stressed. I’m done with the anxiety attacks. I’m done with this year. I don’t want to go back. 

I just want summer.

Everyone else seems to have their shit together. They’re smart, talented, athletic, gorgeous. They know what they want, and they know where they’re going.

I’m none of the above.

If I can’t even make it through AP Lang, how am I supposed to get through the rest of my life?

Sigh. Tomorrow’s a new day.